The things I do for Alan’s career.

My husband is an attorney, and he went to a DUI conference last month where he learned a bunch of stuff about what happens to people physiologically when they’re drunk and what police are looking for when they do sobriety tests. So in order to show his business partner what he learned, he needed a test subject – me, and his business partner’s wife (and my good friend) Courtney – to do the tests sober and then again drunk.

As it turns out, when I have six to eight shots (not sure because we didn’t really measure them) of disgusting $9-a-pint raspberry-and-hairspray-flavoured vodka in the space of an hour or so, and then I have to walk heel-and-toe along a line, apparently I do just fine. But when I’m asked to watch a finger held about a foot in front of my eyes move from side to side, with my head held still, I can’t hide my drunkenness. Everybody’s eyes follow the finger smoothly when sober, and jerkily when drunk. (If the finger goes up and down, and your eyes can’t follow it smoothly, you are probably about to throw up and should stop drinking. Alan told us that; I did not find it out from experience.)

When I drink, my ability to text people degrades, and not very gracefully. I’m normally a very grammar-and-spelling-oriented sort of person; I’m that jerk who is irritated by grocer’s apostrophes. But when I’ve been drinking, I decide that people will understand my intent without any corrections. Also I mash the tiny keyboard more. So you get conversations like this one, with my roommate Jason and his girlfriend Amy:

Me to Jason, 10:53 PM: Shut just dot real
Me to Amy, 11:05 PM: You aglould Courtney drugk somritm r these stories are ghest
Jason, 11:08 PM: Joanne, you getting drunk is legen… Wait for it…
Amy, 11:08 PM: So glad you are having a blast! Get crazy!!
Jason, 11:22 PM: Dary
Me to Jason, 11:26 PM: I waited for ithh
Jason, 11:27 PM: With the less traditional “th” spelling 🙂
Me to Jason, 11:40 PM: Hahaha yeah only got do touwe whan uglek. Omg I have thn per like a racehorses haha thwe nshye
Jason, 11:42 PM: And I’ve lost you
Me to Jason, 11:48 PM: Community
Amy, 12:18 AM: Love ya!!! Stay awake I want to see you soon!
Me to Amy, 12:20 AM: Okay I’ll be her when you get home. We etook ffown the baby hate and the cats are toylally fascinat with the bathroom for some reson. Cge is sleeping on the bath Matt

There are no texts after that because that’s when I fell asleep.

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